i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she peed on how many people?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
