hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
bring money and cleavage
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
