Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
