oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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