so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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