I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
