also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
