and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
