ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
