the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
