Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
