last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
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At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
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I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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