My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
