I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
