Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
