i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
