you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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