No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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