Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
