My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
