I think I died a long time ago.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
