new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
