Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
