Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
