When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
