I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
