i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
