Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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