I look better un-naked...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
