I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
