How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
