I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
