I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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