Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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