I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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