Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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