I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
