Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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