I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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