glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.