I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.