I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i think i just lost a toe
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
