I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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