I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
