Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
