I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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