he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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