I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I could fuck to npr.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
