Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
