No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
