Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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