What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
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Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"