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The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Houston, we have a squirter
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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