She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
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she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He did a backflip because drugs
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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