I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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