I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
grandma shit on top of the toilet
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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