Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
