On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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