Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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