Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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