Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When did angry sex become our thing?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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